Our fifth anniversary !

I got your future message. It is the same as last year..the same set of words. Was it written with love or not? I don't help but wondering. Still no matter what it is dear to my heart. 

We are sibling forever...It has been now 5 wonderful years. I miss you so much. 

Things changed ...I feel I'm shunned, deserted in this world. I miss being loved. I spend my days and nights mulling over if one day I'm gonna find someone accepts me as I am; if one day I'm gonna hold my own baby between my arms. I wish, I really pray for it days and nights. 

I'm happy. Yes, because you asked me to be always happy and seal my heart with absolute love, peace and happiness. :)

I wish to hear from you my dearest brother. But I know it is impossible so I will pray more and more for you instead.

I wish this post finds you and you are in a great shape.


Your devoted sister, Rema

The Rainbow-1-

Dear readers,

    I'm sorry if I made one of you worry. It was really out of my hand. I wasn't ready to come back till I make sure I'm ready to tell the story. I missed you, and will always do. Nothing will change this, I promise. I'm now a very healthy, satisfied, happy alhamduillah. I'm hoping you do the same yourself. No one could imagine how much I miss a simple "hi, how are you?" from you! But, as I always believe: the wind will bring your love and care to me, and they will carry my own love and care to you. The whole story in brief will be unfolded in this next post. Stay tuned. 

Your sister forever!

The Rainbow -2-

Everything happens after my arrival from NY last June. It wasn't a surprise, since I hear about this topic daily; yet, the surprise stems from my agreement to meet him without any fuss. He was a divorcee, ten years my senior, with no kids, at least this is what I had been told at the beginning. I agreed because I thought I really need to move on. I need to settle, to lead a life. Battles were going on in my heart, but I struggled to put them all off. I didn't want to think by my heart this time. I want to think by mind, only. Three weeks later, I met him. I was shocked, he didn't look like someone in his late thirties, but one in his late forties or even fifties. He was tall with wide shoulder. I was really scared. He wasn't what I expected. Once he left, I said no. Noway, I cannot marry him. My family asked me to think twice, they remind me of the fact that I don't have many prospects as before and I'm not even young anymore. These facts lead me to withdraw my rejection, and instead accept him, but with on one condition that we talk to each other, get to know each other before writing the contract. I needed to lower my standards, to give up some of my dreams...and eventually some of my principles. My family and him said yes. And a new chapter in my life began.

Engagement:

   We decided that the suitable way to communicate is over phone. He started to call me; He is a PhD candidate in England. I discovered that he was recently divorced after 6 years of marriage. He talked very sweetly of his ex. He said she was a good-natured young woman, but they were having a zero-common interest. He said he strove to make her study, be interested in things he is interested in, but she was a very cold, unemotional young woman as he claimed. He then threw the thunderbolt: his ex is pregnant! I was shocked, I cried cause they had deceived me, I closed the phone. I was just speechless. I can't do it! I can't do it! He left me for couple of days, then he sent me a message. He told me that he was afraid I will say no if I knew from the beginning about the child. He assured me that they both decided that she will raise the child and has its custody. He said that he tried for six years to make this marriage to be a success and the birth of the child won't in anyway make her the wife he dreams of. I don't deny it, his words soothe me. He promised me that he really likes me, and the child will be taken care of, but he cannot continue his marriage with his ex. I decided to forget about this and not break up the engagement. I know it is a surprise, I'm still surprised of myself. I wasn't born to steal a father from his baby or a husband from his wife. I was brainwashed. 

   We continued our almost daily call for two months. He was very dare whenever he talks to me. He mentions things that really make my heart race fast, fast! Not in a good way, though. Sometimes, I tell him to stop; sometimes I just hang the phone. It wasn't like anything I had experienced before. He showered me with hundred of gifts, each time flowers or something arrive and I read his name, my heart goes not to him, but to someone else with the same name, someone I loved. I tried to push this thought away so hard. I didn't love him, I only grew accustomed to his presence, to the attention. On Dec., he proposed officially and I said "Yes, I do":) It was like a dream. From that day on, I heard (I love you) daily, I tried to say me too; but it was difficult. He never complained. All I felt towards him is comfort, peace and safety...a father-figure. But I decided to teach myself to love him, to do anything to fall in love with him.. He listened to me, laughed at a very joke I say, agreed with everything I say, told me everyday how great I'm. It was kinda of a dream. 

   I woke up one day in Jan. to an SMS from him telling me :(Good morning, my angel). I was confused..did he SMS me? why? why now after I went through a lot to move on? I hold the phone and cried and then I realized it wasn't from what I was thinking it was from!, it was from my fiancee. It was completely crazy. I sent him back.. Good morning my love. I didn't mean it, but I was determined to mean it. So unconsciously, without any prior thinking, I went to my laptop and formatted it, to make sure every details of my past is completely erased from the memory of my laptop as well as my mind. I was acting selfishly. I didn't want to lose this chance. I changed my phone number too. I kept the number, but then I thought it was risky to keep it, so I give the sim to my friend who was thinking of getting a new sim to her new mobile. I told her if she ever get a SMS asking about me, she tells me... I was still hoping that "someone" will contact me!

    Since the engagement everything went so fast. I was away from the blog. I was feeling good about myself. My family is happy for me, everyone is planning for the wedding, although I told him I don't want big one. Apart from everything, I was really happy. I visualized a bright future. In mid Feb, his wife gave birth to a baby girl. Things then changed. All he talks about is his daughter. He just sends me photos of her. I grew jealous, but I pretended it was fine and I shared him his moment. He began to tell me he is busy each time I try to reach him. I calmed myself down and that he is just excited about his first baby. But then he started to tell me how he cannot imagine his life without his baby girl. He said when I go back home, I want to go back to kiss her. He repeated the same set of sentences each time he called me. One day, I told him: "why don't you get your ex back to be near your baby when you go back to England?" I expected him to tell me "No!, I only want you. I don't need anyone else", but he said instead "do you think so?". It was a stab in my heart, but wasn't  the noble thing to do is to reply with "Yes?" so I said yes. He said "Thank you, thank you. You deserve someone much better than me..." I don't remember the rest, because I was crying silently to my loss and failure. I smsed him later asking him to offer my one favor, to let me tell my family that I changed my mind, not the other way around. He said this is the least he can do for me. Apparently, the plan is not convincing because after a week of dumping me like a trash; he traveled back with his wife and his baby girl and everyone in the family knew that he is the one who changed his mind. He left me back broken and ashamed. It wasn't like I loved him, but it was more because I strove to do, because I told him about every things and how I feel, because I trusted him, because I forced myself to listen to his playful words. Everybody in my family avoids talking about it, they act like nothing has happened, but I see it in their eyes. It was a new experience to be dumped this way after I sacrificed a lot, but deep down I knew as I moved on after a real love, I can move on this experience, too. 

   I'm not angry at him or myself or anyone. Maybe I'm just ashamed of myself because I was about to give up my principles. I'm also shocked that someone is capable to say holy words like "I love you" when they don't mean and aren't determined to keep their promises. I'm shocked that there are still men that are capable to let  young women open to them with all their sacred feelings and then they leave them with wounds deeper than before. If I ever had a boy, I would never raise him this way. I would make sure to raise him as a respectable, loving and sensitive man to other women. As Prophet, pace be upon him ordered men "Be gentle to womenfolk".

Two months passed now. I wanted to write it before, but I lost all my passwords after the format and I couldn't retrieve them. I thought it was a punishment because I was selfish and I wanted to erase my past. I couldn't check any update or email or anything. The only thing I was able to visit was the heavenly place where I met my ex., but I didn't dare to send any message there. It wasn't till today that I was able with the help of a friend to retrieve the passwords.

This was another closed chapter in my life, let's pray that it will be a very colorful, happy future wherein I cherish the past and live the present. I seek forgiveness, sincere prayer, and ...a hello. 


-END-

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year !

Wish this year to be a very happy, fruitful and lovely year for you all :)

2013 a new chapter in a happier life

I received your lovely mail. It was really unexpected. I know I disappointed you, cause you wished in the mail that I'm doing my Phd. But I didn't even do my master. I'm sorry brother. It just has been a very hard time back then to go on life as if nothing has changed. 

I really loved your email. I read it like million times :F. You called me "Raiomi" I never heard it again since you left. It was kinda special you know.  It just bro like you are here all over again. we talk, laugh and you show me what you bought :) I really miss you , I wish to hear from you :)

I'm good and happy myself. I know I don't write here as before, but I thought it is better for both. Maybe selfishly for myself more. Cause this place reminds me of you brother. If you still read here, I know I promise last time to post something in Arabic, but I thought it was so sad and I decided not to post it.

There was one thing I wrote in that post and I want to say here. I saw you a month ago in the same place we first met. It was really a shock. I don't know if you come there for me or not. I was completely shocked to see you there. But before I decided what to do you disappeared. I'm not sure actually that you would reply to me if I called you anyway :F. I cried so much afterwards :F

Angry that I didn't get the courage to call you, and angry that you didn't call me yourself or left me a message :F But then great he is not weak anymore for my tears :F

Can you believe brother, I am a very old lady now. I'm 27 years old. They call me the "Spinster" of the family:( monster them. That aunt who just takes cares of the family's kids and when she dies, she leaves a huge sum of money. And when they open her will, she makes all money goes to one of the kids who used to take care of her :F. This is me now, except no one actually cares about me :F

Are you doing your Phd now? no baby in the way? :P I know you won't answer me, but whatever :F

so, so, so :)

Till next time, stay happy, good and wonderful as always.

My best wishes and regards for you and your family.

Sibling forever, 

The sweet Raimoi

My Birthday !

The day before was my 27th birthday. Life is so fast, I feel I'm still the twenty-two year old Rema who met you in 2008. I was planning to write something special on this day, but for the last two weeks I was feeling angry at you. I don't know why, but maybe cause I found one of our old recordings that I destroyed stored still in my computer. It's just tormenting to see you and hear you again when I was trying to just forget about everything. I feel so much anger inside me against everyone. I know it is stupid. :F

Yesterday, I received your future email, it was as I expected the same as in 2011, and I think it will be the same for 2013-14-15 :)  It was still very nice and I love it cause it is from you brother. Last night, I saw you in a dream; that's why I decided to write this. I thought you might actually missed me after all. I wish you did. In the dream, we were chatting ..not sure where, but I didn't want to chat cause I was afraid I will ruin something for you. And you told me to stay more with you ..to talk or translate for you and you put a winking icon. :F . And I did stay. It was really very very beautiful time. I woke up happy, but at the same time I felt like crying cause I really wished it is true. 

I just wish to know you are both happy and O.K and that is everything is going as you planned. This is enough for me. My birthday wish was that you live happily ever after with her, and that I will find inner peace :)

I will be writing soon in Arabic this time maybe ( in the draft here..I wrote a post in Arabic 3 weeks ago, but couldn't have the courage to complete it).

Till then, stay happy, good and cheerful as I have always known you.

The Best Days..

I know it has been quite along time since I've posted my last post. My bad.

I just thought if I disappeared for awhile I would get a message from you :F. I know, I know totally crazy. It just came to my mind to do this. Well, no harm I guess, cause I didn't get any:F

I know you want me to forget everything, actually I feel your presence is slipping away from my mind. Not my choice, though. It just when you don't have something tangible to connect your memory with, this just happen. I do my best not. I write in my journal about everything and pray all the time. Don't misunderstand. I'm happy. I'm really is:)

I wish you are doing great with everything, and that's your family are doing well, too. I miss them alot, they were ..actually they are still part of my family. I don't know if you want to hear anything about me. But, I will just write that..whatever :F

Nothing new, except that I have been reading alot alot lately. I join a book club, we meet on Thursdays. It's a really wonderful experience, I meet different kind of girls, we discuss books and so. On Wednesdays, I babysit my cousin's baby :F The rest of the week goes very fast as I try to read as much as I can so I can join them in the club.

Soon is my birthday, if you remember...or no, you remember something else happened in the same month :P You are naughty my brother, you always do this when my BD approaches! naughty, naughty :F I will get a future letter, I know it will be the same as that of last year :F, but I'm quite sure it has its wonderful taste, cause it was written from an honest heart who cares about me as much as my dad cared about me.

I'm having a terrible flu brother these days. This weather is crazy :F

If you are reading this, I know you would wonder why I decided to write again. Well, for three reasons. first, I lost hope that I will receive anything :F. I know the reason, don't worry. I know Nsh'Allah that you still care about me as your oldest sister. It was actually stupid idea to make you worry why did I disappear:(. Secondly, Today is the third of the holy 10 days. I found your memory today very profound within me. Maybe because you used to encourage me to do good deeds during these days. I promise brother to be good and improve myself to be a better person. These days make me realize that I need to reconcile with myself more and come back here to talk to you my brother. Pray for me, and I promise I will always always always pray for you and your family..both families, if you know what I mean :P. And yeah brother, I still remember your guidance, no fasting on 13th this month, cause it is one of "Tashreeq days". See, I'm a good sister :).  Last reason, I missed you alot bro. I cannot be away all this way without checking upon your whereabouts! You would say that you don't reply, I would tell you that I'm a woman I can just feel you as a mother feel her baby. Don't say you are not a mother, then I will kill you :F. I will be a mother one day, if not here..I will be one in Heaven :) And yeah, once I told you I want to have babies and you said you will be mine :F, so technically and by your own words, I'm your mother :F Listen to me or I will pull your beard :F

I have much to say..but maybe in another post..suspense :)

Now, it is 11 p.m, Friday 19, Oct 2012, I have to do write few things tonight :)

So till next post, stay happy and good my best bro ever ^_^

Remembrance

But we keep remembering the things we should forget..

Sorry ..

( To Allah we all belong and to Him we will return)

I'm sorry to hear the news brother. I have been away from the blog for long cause I was obliged for certain reasons. But hearing this, I could not but come back. It's the only way to offer my condolence to you and your dear family.

"May Allah enhance your recompense and be generous in your calamity and forgive the deceased and induce you with patience and multiply for us and for you recompense through patience." 

Hope you both doing good. I wish to hear at least a reply ..

I'm sorry again ..And I'm sorry to be away, too..but, be sure it wasn't an option.

My heart is with you and your mammy, I'm sorry brother.

I need you

I need you those days more than any time ago...

O Allah grants me strength.

It's our Fourth Anniversary!

I was thinking I will get a response for my last post, but I got none..I'm not disappointed, I understand..

Today is our 4th anniversary. Mixed feelings when I got the future email. I have been losing track lately of almost everything. But sure not our anniversary, but reading (4 years) was shocking for me. I remember quite well, that you walked away 3 weeks before our 3rd anniversary last year..and the images of the dinner I make for myself last year for the occasion are vivid in front of me, and I remember as well that I spent that night crying cause you promised to send me email and you didn't..

I cannot believe it. Things go so fast. It feels like it has been years not a year that we last separated. 

I cannot deny that I expected more in the email, but I'm still thankful. I know that you are not a wordy-person :) And it seems that you copied the same email for all my future emails  in the anniversary..today's email is the exact email of last year :)

 You just wonderful brother,,,

I wish to know more about you, how is your new life, and hopefully you are leading a comfortable, lovable life together. God bless you both. 

I don't have any of our correspondences before as I promised and sometimes I wish I didn't get rid of them. Sometimes I just miss those lovely days. I'm good and happy, though alhamdullah.

Sometimes I feel you become old :) not the same, you know. You are more knowledgeable now mash'Allah. I feel ashamed that I'm still the same silly girl I could not even complete my master degree :)

I saw your friend's baby. She is so adorable. I wish to kiss her :) she is totally sweet. I'm sure yours will be much cuter too :) If one day I get one, I will dress her those white tutu short skirt, she will look like an angel :) just like me :)

so, it's our anniversary ..I'm old, sitting in the park right now wondering how life is so fast and how we sometimes forget about our beloved persons. I wish you didn't forget me. I don't even know if you read those lines or not. But I will still write them and the fairy will take them to you :)

Yeah, brother. I throw a party for little orphans when you didn't reply to me last time and I dressed like the fairy :) They were so cute kids , I wish you could see them !

I cannot imagine if we were together today what will we do :) I know something crazy :) Maybe we meet at dad's home :F. Imagine :) But since we are not. I started to write about my life story, hopefully I will finish it before I die, and it will get published one day. All the names and places are changed. But the vivid real story of us and others are the same.

I don't know what to say. I'm just happy this moment. I'm happy for you, her and myself that we are good Insh'Allah and that one day under a huuuge blueberry tree, near that clear spring and the daises, you, her and me and your kids will gather in Heaven living a wonderful, everlasting life. But the swing in the tree is for me alone :) maybe I will let your kids, but not you or her :) It's mine :)

Thank you brother for all the wonderful things you did for me and all the kindness that you showered me.. God bless you both and fulfill all your dreams here and hereafter. I will pray for you both to the last breath. I promise brother.

Sealed with all love and respect.

yours, rema

Congratulation ! AYO!

I'm speechless, I'm truly speechless ! 

When I saw your photo, all the memories rushed back from our first meeting to the last goodbye I heard from you in June 2011. I cannot believe it is almost a year since the last time we talked to each other. But, indeed it is a wonderful journey! 

I have been there with you before you enroll and seeing you now finally achieving your dream is more than my heart can handle. I'm proud of you, I'm really are..you fulfilled the first step in accomplishing the dream which we both talked about endlessly..And I'm sure that soon you will be everything you wished you will be. 

You're a wonderful person, and that's why I'm sure that everything good in your life is a reward from Allah. Your moon-like face in that photo is nothing, but the "noor" Allah blesses His good servants. I ask Allah to grant you this "noor" now and hereafter and enlighten your path in the Judgment Day.

I could not stop crying when I saw that :) It was really the best thing happened to me in a while. Selfishly, I wished I'm there in the ceremony! But, I told myself that you look much happier than I've ever seen you before..I knew then that I was really a pain in the neck :) Allah bless her, and grant her the happiness, success and peace as she makes you happy. 

I really want to scream now ! ..saying " AYO" :F

Congratulation, Congratulation, Congratulation brother..

I'm happy, I'm so excited..I

May all your dreams and hers come true..And May Allah grant you all you wish and much more and gather me with you and my dear ones with the Prophet (peace be upon him) in Paradise ..

P.S. Can I send something there for the kids? :) If possible, which day is suitable :)

I'm Back...much happier !

It has been a while that I wrote here...I miss being here, I miss my comfy corner, where nobody truly knows me, but you.

I was not doing okay that last month which makes me stays away from here. But, I'm back now good and healthy as ever :)

There is much to catch up in this world around me, I feel I was more than a month away from people!

As a start nothing has updated in my private life, except that I'm turning more annoying to my mum:) I'm resuming my Quran Classes at home soon , and was babysitting my cousin's baby Jojo every morning :) And sure following updates from you brother ! Sometimes I really forget and sit writing you email, when I read something and didn't understand it :F Otherwise, I'm good now, I moved to my mum's place :F, you know how when you are not okay everybody loves you and you becomes so special and got all those millions Kinder surprise eggs, that's the most awesome feeling ever, believe me :F And being not okay I gained a permission from my uncle to travel ..YES, to go abroad. In two weeks I am going, but my stepfather says it is a surprise so I'm not sure where :) 

 I will anyway post photos Insh'Allah :)

BTW, when is the graduation season :) I thought it is April ?

I feel like there is alot in my head, but they are rushing every one wants to be written before, that there is a jam in my head :F It is not good to stay away from here for so long. I will try to write down everything in a daily basis to avoid this :) Even my sweet diary that I keep since I was 6, I stopped writing in it daily last month:( But i will try to compensate it :)

The last thing to say is that I'm happy now, I make a peaceful deal with myself to stay this way forever. Everyone has a down in her life, but she must stand up not only for herself, but also for those who loves her to make them happy :) And there is something keeps me excited and happy now that in a month I'm getting a future letter from you for our fourth anniversary :) I will make it special even if you are not around, but still it is special 'cause I know you this time for sure that you are happier happier than ever , which makes me one too !

For the second time :)

For the second time I get so sad thinking there is no tracking in my blog while actually I forgot to add the tracking code to the new template ! LOL

Happy to know you might really visit !

For you and her :)

Blue for you my little brother :)

My blog is turning blue for you.. I know we have never met, but I'm pretty sure you know me deep down in your heart and love me as much as I do :)

Autism Awarness Day

Today April 2, 2012 is "Autism Awareness Day". The world is blue for them. Those suffering from Autism is just like us, they feel the same as us, but they only find it hard to express their feelings. Those autistic kids are our brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews; We have to do our best to help them adjust to their situations and support them emotionally !

In Riaydh, they are holding a party for autistic kids, I am going there in a hope to see my little brother. I miss him so much. He is always there in my mind, but for today the whole world, including mine is turning blue...Just for you my dear. I miss you so much :)

Inspiration-2

Inspiration-1

The Nightmare..

Well, the night before I had that scary nightmare, I hardly got sleep back then. Yesterday , I was still afraid that I spent the entire day in the hall among them. At night, I was so scared to go back into my room..eventually, I did ..crying.

But, this got me thinking why would we allow our fears to conquer us? Sometimes, we run to sleep to hide from our fears. But what shall we do when even our sleep fails us? Should we surrender or fight back? 

I believe that this is a hint that we have to make our day a place where we hide not from our fear..but the place where we hide the fears themselves...bury them..after killing them, not mercifully, but cruelly in a revenge of all those miserable times they bring to us.

So here I'm ...armed with my forgotton courage which my beloved ones had once planted in my heart..but which I lost in some battles...but I promise I won't let my fear conquer me anymore

as one told had told me once "even if I'm not here physically, I will always be there for you..you just think". I do believe that right now...you are all next to me supporting me in my battle.

so wish me good luck :)

Always be..

Your belief in me makes me strong and not afraid of what is to come..

Your belief in me makes me believe in myself,too.

If I'm sad, it's temporary. Nothing in this life lasts, even sadness :)

I'm strong, I promise to always be :)