Athazagoraphobia...

I believe this is the worst feeling someone could go through: trying to please others in order to talk to them casually, but somehow they don't want to be near you. Many would say it is their problem and they are the losers to choose to ignore you and bla bla bla. But, whether this is the truth or not, it still hurts deeply. You would not stop thinking what is wrong with you that everyone ignores you. All what will go in your mind is that it is impossible that they all are wrong and you are right ! The problem must reside within yourself. But When you try to search, you could not find anything !! You will just keep asking yourself what can I do more for them?

Sometimes all what you ask is to be special to someone, your parents, friend, or even sister. But when you end up "just someone" in everybody's life, at one point you would give up living. Eventually, you will lose the battle. It is scary to be alone when people ignore you and many forget even that you exist. You will be the prisoner of Athazagoraphobia.

This is really what I feel most time. I feel invisible when I am around others. I do my best to please them, but most time unsuccessfully. I know that I act stupid most time, but I never mean to harm anyone at all. I just want someone to talk to me. I always apologize to them even if I know I did nothing wrong, but I will do anything if this means they will stay with me. It is not easy to do this, it hurts me so much to humiliate myself to keep someone next to me. But I always tell myself that this is life and nothing is easy. Someone at the end has to give up, and it is always me. Writing my dairy turns into obsession because of my continuous fear. Sometimes I feel that I will wake up one day and that no one would remember me anymore. So my dairy would keep me from being insane, it will remind me that I truly exist and know them at least at one point.

I don't want to be forgotten or ignored.

How Far?

I have decided to read Sparks's novel "The Lucky One" for one reason; to know the answer of the question he posed in the cover page "How far would you travel to find love?" Although I know that Sparks would web a happy-ending plot as all his other novels, I still wanted to know: "Is the other partner in the relationship suffer or at least appreciate the hardships the first partner go through to please her/him?"

Everyone must have been asked that same question at least once and most of us would say: "I would do anything to find it". But, have you ever stopped and asked yourself: "Is it worth it?","Is the one we are sacrificing for her/him deserve?" I'm sure no one would say it is not worth it since love is blind! But I think it is true, it is worth to suffer for a time for the sake of love even if the other partner does not deserve because love itself is a beautiful journey despite the worthiness of the other partner in the relationship. At least, this is what I believe !

However, I think one is lucky enough to fall in love even if it did not work. Failure of a relationship does not always mean one is accused of "unworthiness". Sometimes, "letting go" is the noblest form of love. To see the other partner happy with someone else should make you "The Lucky one".

However, while reading the novel I could not stop thinking how far I myself went to please others for the sake of a friendship or a company (not to say for love!) all my life and how I was easily abandoned later. I have taught myself not to hate or even be disappointed of anyone, let say a friend. The time this person spent with me is precious, and by choosing to spend it with me is something I should not forget and denies selfishly! As much as it hurting to be forgotten, it is a luck that gathers me with so many people. I have not been blessed with a close friend, but by looking at the bright side, I have known hundreds of people who had chosen at one point to at least talk to me for couple of hours and from whom I learned alot and enjoyed my time, too! So, I'm "The Lucky One" after all :)

So, "Is it worth the sacrifice?" I would say definitely "Yes" !; "Do they know how much I suffer after they leave without a notice?" I would say no one would know this feeling but the one who went through it, so I blame no one. Who knows maybe one day someone might go far to be my friend, then I will be truly "The Lucky One" :)

Special sometimes...

Temptation

I have been struggling against temptation for a quit time now. It's so hard !

Knowing that what I want to do is wrong and against all what I promised not to do and at the same time trying to ignore all this and instead following my heart is shattering me to pieces.

I keep lying to myself by believing that no harm will happen, but I definitely know the feeling of sadness, regret and shame I feel each time I do such deeds.

I run for Allah each time I feel I'm losing the battle against temptation, but devil plays games with me sometimes by making it appears harmless, which I know is not, and it will never be.


All what I ask Allah is to reward me and replace my loss with something better and grant me power to stand up again and continue my life and resist all this temptation.

So excited !

In 18 days is my 26th Birthday :)

I thought it might be the saddest birthday ever, but I'm expecting a beautiful gift this year. So, I'm so thrilled ! :)

Many scenarios play in my mind as to what I will get on the 9th of December :)

I'm sure I will read beautiful lines that would make me strong and happy at least to the end of the month :)


I've never been excited to receive a thing like this in a long time, I pray I don't get disappointed :)

Embrace life..try !

Have you ever thought about someone else apart from yourselves ! I always think of animals and objects, rather than people. I always have been like this. I wish I can understand them and know what they hide within them. We always hurt them and we don't apologize ! we don't know if they get sad or not. This is shameful.

I always treat animals and objects like real people. In this way, I teach myself to be more sensitive to others' needs. You will learn to take care of all your actions and you will think twice before you do something to anyone.

Hurting others is the worst action you may do in your life. You don't know how much this kills within. You may say it is just a rabbit or a cup. But if you treat such innocent things in a bad way, then I doubt you will treat humans any better !

When I take a book and decided to read another, when I return the other book I apologize :). I feel his feelings might get hurt cause I abandoned him for another :( The same with animals and insects. I would get sad if I kill an ant or a fly :( cause I know that they have a family and must be missed there. I hate to be the reason.

I know how painful it is to be abandoned and replaced; and I know what it means to lose a friend. I try hard not to make anyone experience this feeling. So, try for a day to treat everything around you as humans. You will definitely find another meaning for life :)


I love you all :)

I got two smiles !

I'm so so so happy ! 

I knew that the second day of Eid will prove a better day as I professed in my last post :).

It was a dull day, but then at night I got a message from a dear friend which makes my whole day ! It was amazing to get unexpected message and more wonderful to be a great one !

No, no. They have to make a show in TV and ask people to come and share their best, unexpected moments. I think I will chose this one and talk till the end of show. Or you know what ! I think the show has to be for me alone to tell you stories about my reflections on such sweet, beautiful moments. However, we should not forget to thank Allah for giving us this chance to enjoy happiness and tranquility !

Thanks Allah :)

I really cannot express how much I was happy, that I kept re reading it till 9 hours later :)

Thank you for making me happy !

My Sheep !

So tomorrow N'sh'Allah is Eid Adha. Happy Eid for all of you !!


When I see the pictures of sheep around the internet I feel sorry for those cute little creatures, but then this is the command of Allah. I believe that these sweet sheep would have a better life there than here with us monstrous people !

Today I saw my two sheep I would sacrifice tomorrow. Aww they were so beautiful. I put for them two pink ribbons ! It would be wonderful to have one, but I cannot keep them :(. So I gave them those gifts. Do you think they would later recognize us? I think Yes !. I read once that prophet peace be upon him said "Whoever kills a sparrow or anything bigger than that without a just cause, Allah will hold him accountable on the Day of Judgment." The listeners asked, "O Messenger of Allah, what is a just cause?" He replied, "That he will kill it to eat, not simply to chop off its head and then throw it away." So those animals will recognize us later to ask for their rights ! Thus my two cute sheep will recognize me later and maybe say thanks Rema ! Oh, so sweet. I think I would go count how many rabbits, birds, sheep and other animals I had in my life. I would have many sweet friends later. Oh, I wish I treat them well as I think, if not..sorry !

Be kind to sheep ! S/he will remember you later :) This sheep is lovable...look at the photo above, his/her legs form a heart :) S/he says I love you. So love him/her back <3

Again..Happy Eid !

Forgive me..

What words describe you?

Please share what words you saw first !

I saw these four words at the first glance: Passionate, Sweet, Happy and Loyal !

I'm shy and courageous..

I pretend that I'm happy everyday.
I feel alone all the time.
I worry when I don't think I'm good enough.
I cry when I'm confused, and frustrated.
But..
I am courageous to confess that I'm selfish,too
I don't accept loss easily.
I don't accept to be a past of someone.
I want to be the center of everything.
But..
I am courageous to change all this.
I want to touch the starts in my mind.
I want to fly above in the sky.
I want to share others their happiness.
But..
I want most to make my best friends more happier
I want to see their smiles, before mine
I want to change, I want us all be happy !
I want for them what I want for myself.

I want us all to be happy, forever

The Bat

When I was seven years old, I saw in school a scientific show about bats. I was amazed by them ! I wanted to have one so badly, just to see it close and open its wings :) One day I was with my dady visiting my grandma; after a time, I went to grandma's room to bring her something when I noticed that thing !. I was so amazed..it is a bat ! But, I didn't use to take something without permission so i ran to her asking her that I really want that bat in her room. She did not understand my language,everyone tried to know what I meant but they could not. They called my dady and I was crying from excitement to finally see the bat. He told that there is no bat and I insisted that there is one , I saw it ! We went,grandma, dady, uncle and me there. When they opened the door I pointed to something hanged in wall. They all burst laughing ! I said WHAT, this is a bat. Dad brought that thing to me to see it..it was a black old umbrella for my late grandpa :S. And I thought it was a sleeping bat :D

OMG..I'm in love again :)

This sweet thing is so cute !

I wish I can have one, but I want him to be talking. I bet he will have such an adorable voice <3

I'm in love with him ()

Online..

Seeing you "Online" makes me feel that I have the key to the world's happiness..
I feel like floods of so many things I want to tell you go away from my chest..
Looking at the mobile-screen and knowing that you're holding it the same moment I'm holding it too draws the smile on my face..
"Online" becomes like a spiritual communication with you. I would sit and tell you everything and feel like all those stories I tell you are creating a sweet web to you..

Thanks for being "Online", though I know it is not for me and it will never be for me, but thanks because it means so much for me..

One day

Is it going to be real one day?

Hold so tight ...

Actually..

Sometimes you just got to be your own hero and save your own little heart, because sometimes the people you cannot imagine living without them, can actually live without you.

Too hard

It's hard when you know you should not hold on and yet you are too in love to let go

Too many words..

Have you ever felt like suffocating because you spend couple of days not talking to anyone, but your own self? It's hard to explain. It's kinda weird ! I mean when so many things go in your mind, and you feel like your head spins. Still, you cannot talk about them or at least comprehend what is going on around you. It is like there are many many words inside you and in any minute you will explode and all those words would come out messy and more scattered and would just swallow you. It really confuse me when there is like amount of things I want to know , but I cannot reach this person. I don't get confused because I cannot reach this person because of something, no. It is only the idea scared me ! I mean to know this person is out here, you know its appearance, its voice, but you cannot see it ! This was my fear since I was kid. I would like to meet persons in television or newspaper. I cannot accept the idea that they are unreachable. Now, it is worse. When I cannot talk about things worry me to any person. To hold, hold so much inside. I feel I would rather sleep than be awake and know that it is another day of silence outside, and panic, fear and mess inside ! I know no one would know what I talk about. But, this is makes me crazy

I'm ..

I'm not a fly and not a dog :)
I'm a beautiful butterfly and angel :)