My own world

One day all our dreams will come true ..

Friday 7 January 2011

I'm convinced that happiness is not for me




I am not sure from where to start or what to say

I created this blog for him, I was so excited after meeting him that I decided to do anything will please him. In the beginning it was a way through which I can tell him of my sorrow and suffer when communication was a bit difficult between us. We were new to each other, and I was not even used to the whole experience to open to someone. All what I posted there was my pain for being alone.

But with time, I was not in need for such expression, with him I learned to let go. I learned to forget about past and to look for the bright future. I was really reborn.

I was a new person. Rather, the real me was recreated. He unlocked my heart and released the love of life which lives there. He wept the tear from eyes and taught me to see the morning shines. He drew the smile in my face and colored my face with brightness.

I could not recognize myself in the mirror...simply, I let go of past.




He was everything in my day...my day revolved around him only. I cannot sleep cause I look for day to meet him, in day I cannot turn around cause I do not want him to go from sight. Day by day, my day didn’t just revolve around him, but my day became HIM.

I woke up eventually and i did not find my heart and mind..they were as I expected them to be..with him. I thought it was an illusion, a dream or a mere attempt to run away back to my past. But It was not. With him I felt myself, I didn't need to pretend or fear. I tell him of what I feel freely, I was undoubtedly safe...my posts then were all for him..to send him shy message of my love.

I was not happier than the day he told me he loves me back ..in that moment I did not need any means to tell him of what I feel...I felt comfortable to text just to tell him that I love him..or just to send him a smile to let him know I think of him in this moment.





Lately things changed, I tried and still try to convince myself that he does this to make me hate him to make his leave easier. But sometimes I think he really does not want to go further anymore. I don’t have the courage to stop it myself although I feel pain. I feel communication lost between us. I am ready to do anything for him though I know we are not for each other. But I cannot let go of him, and he does not let go of my past.

He taught me to let go of my past, but he is unable to do himself. This assures me that life is a lie. He told me that everyone forgets past, while he does not forget mine and bring it all time. He promised to meet later and he changed his mind. I am completely lost. I never regret my love to him, nor my past because he makes me believes that it is not shameful. At the same time, I wish I can do something to prove for him that he is everything for me.






I am scared cause I don’t know what to do and I am scared of his anger. I wish to hide from everyone till everyone forgets about my past and then I can come to them new. Or I wish to wake up and this will be dream or maybe just April Foll. I always sit in my room and wait like I am in a comic show and that they will tell me that they are just kidding.

I got afraid each time I need to tell him anything, because i feel obliged to tell him everything. I do everything he asks me to do, but I don’t know sometimes it is not enough.

I don’t know if this is because it is hard for him too, or if he wants to leave, or if it is like all guys he just says and forgets about it. I wish it is the last because it is easier. I am just completely lost. I love him more than I ever did. But this is not enough. He cannot believe it although everything echos my love for him.

He is my world. I changed everything in my room the way I think he will love it. I dress the way he love. I pick items as he loves. Even food I eat the same food he loves. I never dine with one glass, one plate, but with two to imagine he is here.

I write in my dairy a section for him too. I know I am a big burden ..not just big but huge huge one, but still I cannot let go of him, till he tells me to do. I wish he does without hurting me or me hurting him.





I don’t know why I write this too. I am not blaming him. But it is fear. I am losing everyone lately and I cannot find out the reason. I wish I can make up my mistakes, but I am coward. I can bear pain from other, but from him its double cause he is the one I love. He is the one wipes my tears without him I will drown in my pain and sorrow

I wish i can ask him why hobi....I wish to tell him that I am afraid..I am afraid he tells me he stopped loving me back or worse that he hates me





Honey, I love you with all my essence..always and forever