Too hard

It's hard when you know you should not hold on and yet you are too in love to let go

Too many words..

Have you ever felt like suffocating because you spend couple of days not talking to anyone, but your own self? It's hard to explain. It's kinda weird ! I mean when so many things go in your mind, and you feel like your head spins. Still, you cannot talk about them or at least comprehend what is going on around you. It is like there are many many words inside you and in any minute you will explode and all those words would come out messy and more scattered and would just swallow you. It really confuse me when there is like amount of things I want to know , but I cannot reach this person. I don't get confused because I cannot reach this person because of something, no. It is only the idea scared me ! I mean to know this person is out here, you know its appearance, its voice, but you cannot see it ! This was my fear since I was kid. I would like to meet persons in television or newspaper. I cannot accept the idea that they are unreachable. Now, it is worse. When I cannot talk about things worry me to any person. To hold, hold so much inside. I feel I would rather sleep than be awake and know that it is another day of silence outside, and panic, fear and mess inside ! I know no one would know what I talk about. But, this is makes me crazy

My Name

My name "Rema" means white fawn in Arabic. So, this is me =)
Oh, how cute I'm even my name cute <3 :p

I'm ..

I'm not a fly and not a dog :)
I'm a beautiful butterfly and angel :)

Good morning

Yarrab, this day proves more beautiful, peaceful and happier than before. O Allah send me clouds of love, kindness and content fill my heart forever to need no one again

Because you're more sweet :)

You have a big heart no one wants to live in it.

Not meant to..

But, I believe that even if physical power was able to separate people. No one in this earth will be able to take the whole sweet memory of one's heart, until one is ready to forget it.
So, we should not feel hurt even if it's so painful

No longer

Heaven where I belong

"For me Heaven is not only an approaching fact.
Rather, it is every precious appointments which have been postponed against my will.
It is all those places which earth did not allow me to visit.
It is the love , this life was so cheap to afford me.
It is the happiness which cannot fit in this earth.
It is all those faces that I miss most and I was deprived from seeing.
Heaven is the death of taboos, the death of prohibition and the death of authorities.
Heaven is the death of boredom, the death of fatigue and the death of despair.
Heaven is simply the death of Death."

I miss to go there to meet my beloved and enjoy everything I miss in this life <3

By: Mohammed Assouani

Back to School ..

Tomorrow is the first day in school in my country ( KSA). We don't have this feeling of school in my home because simply there is no one studies, they all work except me. However, since my graduation I used to get excited whenever it is time back to school. No particular reason, but I love to see kids going to school and I have always dreamed of the day when I take the hand of my own daughter to school. I even went far to pick the cloths, bag and hair style for her. I know that I am the biggest dreamer I have ever known :), but I created the scenario of what if my kid was HE not SHE. Then his dad will take him, but this does not mean I will not go excited for every small details.
I would record their first day to watch later ..everyday. I got my own recordings, it was really a great time. I wish I could live it again with my own kid. For me, school gives a warm feeling of being in a family. The simple breakfast your mamy prepares, your parent watching you climbing the stairs of the bus..it is just a sweet memory.

Yesterday, my best friend told me she is pregnant in her fifth month. I really did not know, maybe it was apparent, but I was overwhelmed to notice. I know she did not tell me before to save me the troubles I go through each time I know about someone getting pregnant. But when she told me, the first thing came to my mind was not the same thought of "why not me", it was instead "Does she think from now of her kid's first day in school? Does she create webs of scenario of how is it going to be like?". I wanted to ask her that, but I knew she will laugh at dismiss it like nothing. She sms me this news, having no heart to make a call telling me the news although she thinks my reaction is stupid since she thinks getting pregnant is not something to be happy about.

I guess she interpreted my silence and weird sleep recently of knowing and being angry of her. But that's doing nothing with it because I knew nothing. Anyway, she saved me the awkward moment of congratulating her while all I want to do is retreating to my own shell.

I know that everyone knows I die for a kid, but what no one knows is how much it hurts to keep pretension as if everything is o.k when it is not at all. It hurts when you cannot tell anyone about this. You cannot cry your heart out and tell them that each time every month, I cannot but lament myself for failing to be the rest.

As the past years, I will get excited tomorrow by looking from my window at the neighbors kids and knowing deep down that Allah is always beside me even if I forget that sometimes.

Sweetie, Dear, Baby :)

Hahahahaha..
It really reminds me of someone ! xD. I would keep calling, texting, and even crying; then in a sudden he would say Opps "hon", I just wake up from sleep :)
That was really so sweet. I miss old days. I know it's weird, but I used to enjoy waking him up :D

Miss little exchange like this , morning greetings and goodnight wishes :)

Incarnation

Incarnation is a belief that after death one comes back to life as another person ; this means one will be someone else. This person will deep down feel attach to certain people whom he knew in his previous life although those people will not recognize him/her. He also won't recognize, but will feel strange attachment. This also means we all were the souls of someone elses in previous life. Therefore, there is a whim of connection between all people. I don't believe in this concept as a Muslim. But, this idea is intrigue. I always felt a strange connection to certain people who remind me of beloved I lost. Although they look different than them and speak in a complete opposite manner to them, there is this slight air around them that remind me of my beloved. Sometimes I got tempted to just come to one and ask if he is really my dad or another beloved deep down. I know this might sound stupid, but I really feel this most of the time. I strongly believed that those we love watch us, even if we don't feel them. Maybe this explains why I feel this. I know that they hear us and feel our happiness and miss us as much as we do. I think it is our responsibility also to keep their company, too. We should not forget about them as if they are forgotten chapters in our lives. We should keep them an essential part of our lives as they used to be before. This is the least we can do for them . Maybe this idea of keeping them is why certain people believe in incarnation. Maybe they don't want to let them go after all.

A day of sleep...

I used to sleep normally for eight to nine hours maximum. In the last few years, things changed.

My sleep became only for three or four hours and usually at day not at night. I cannot sleep more whatever I try.

Now, I become worse than before. My day is all sleep. I sleep 18 to 20 hours a day by any means even if it is horrible. I wake up from time to time, check net in my mobile and returned to sleep. I know that what I am doing is bad and such a means for running from reality is worthless. But, sometimes sleep is the only option since every book I read remind me, every show I watch remind me too. And I cannot get answer to my questions. I cannot understand why this is happening.

I would sleep and sleep until I reborn in another place..somewhere I can get the answers

Confession, baby-1

The directors always focus the camera on moments when the heroine in the romantic movie looks at couples in the park; and I had always thought that is ridiculous because in real life we don't see couples like everywhere around us ! But, yesterday I realized I was mistaken. It was not about seeing couples around me. I have been surrounded by many all my life. It is only about "what one misses most". If you miss something so much, you will feel like everyone has it except you. But deep down you will know that it is there all the time,you only notice it this much because you miss it in you life.


Yesterday, I was outside and I felt suffocated by seeing how that everyone holds a baby's hand or carries one. I felt I was the only one who has not . I was conscious about their presence around me which kept me alert and uncomfortable. This is what I miss most in my life. I dream for a day I get the chance to carry my own baby between my arms, smell it, touch its forehead and hair. Nothing in the world is comparable to such a moment.


When I came in a kid's store, I feel everyone looks at me. I feel they will tell me that I don't belong there and will never be. It is a real pain no one can understand but who lives it. I cannot talk about it to any soul. My tears betray me before I utter a word. Writing about it much easier, though.


Everyone of us has its own experience. H/She notices something other don't notice or don't appreciate. Yesterday, nothing wipe the tempting tear from my eye and draw the smile in my face but my friend's words when she said: "Wow, look how much shopping bags all those girls have!!" At that moment, I realized she was looking at the bags I was holding too while I was looking at the little hand she was holding....Everyone looks only at what she misses most.

Don't cry

Don't cry, I'm here for you forever

..is it?..

Each broken heart eventually mends. Is it truly right?
I pray it is.