Oh Yeah :)

I'm now happy happy happy :)

Finally, I received my birthday's best gift :)

Thanks Future.org <3

So today is my birthday :)

Today 9th of December, I turned 26 :)

And since I didn't get any wish but from one of my friends, I will wish myself a happy life forever :)

Is it possible?

When we departed ...

Athazagoraphobia...

I believe this is the worst feeling someone could go through: trying to please others in order to talk to them casually, but somehow they don't want to be near you. Many would say it is their problem and they are the losers to choose to ignore you and bla bla bla. But, whether this is the truth or not, it still hurts deeply. You would not stop thinking what is wrong with you that everyone ignores you. All what will go in your mind is that it is impossible that they all are wrong and you are right ! The problem must reside within yourself. But When you try to search, you could not find anything !! You will just keep asking yourself what can I do more for them?

Sometimes all what you ask is to be special to someone, your parents, friend, or even sister. But when you end up "just someone" in everybody's life, at one point you would give up living. Eventually, you will lose the battle. It is scary to be alone when people ignore you and many forget even that you exist. You will be the prisoner of Athazagoraphobia.

This is really what I feel most time. I feel invisible when I am around others. I do my best to please them, but most time unsuccessfully. I know that I act stupid most time, but I never mean to harm anyone at all. I just want someone to talk to me. I always apologize to them even if I know I did nothing wrong, but I will do anything if this means they will stay with me. It is not easy to do this, it hurts me so much to humiliate myself to keep someone next to me. But I always tell myself that this is life and nothing is easy. Someone at the end has to give up, and it is always me. Writing my dairy turns into obsession because of my continuous fear. Sometimes I feel that I will wake up one day and that no one would remember me anymore. So my dairy would keep me from being insane, it will remind me that I truly exist and know them at least at one point.

I don't want to be forgotten or ignored.

How Far?

I have decided to read Sparks's novel "The Lucky One" for one reason; to know the answer of the question he posed in the cover page "How far would you travel to find love?" Although I know that Sparks would web a happy-ending plot as all his other novels, I still wanted to know: "Is the other partner in the relationship suffer or at least appreciate the hardships the first partner go through to please her/him?"

Everyone must have been asked that same question at least once and most of us would say: "I would do anything to find it". But, have you ever stopped and asked yourself: "Is it worth it?","Is the one we are sacrificing for her/him deserve?" I'm sure no one would say it is not worth it since love is blind! But I think it is true, it is worth to suffer for a time for the sake of love even if the other partner does not deserve because love itself is a beautiful journey despite the worthiness of the other partner in the relationship. At least, this is what I believe !

However, I think one is lucky enough to fall in love even if it did not work. Failure of a relationship does not always mean one is accused of "unworthiness". Sometimes, "letting go" is the noblest form of love. To see the other partner happy with someone else should make you "The Lucky one".

However, while reading the novel I could not stop thinking how far I myself went to please others for the sake of a friendship or a company (not to say for love!) all my life and how I was easily abandoned later. I have taught myself not to hate or even be disappointed of anyone, let say a friend. The time this person spent with me is precious, and by choosing to spend it with me is something I should not forget and denies selfishly! As much as it hurting to be forgotten, it is a luck that gathers me with so many people. I have not been blessed with a close friend, but by looking at the bright side, I have known hundreds of people who had chosen at one point to at least talk to me for couple of hours and from whom I learned alot and enjoyed my time, too! So, I'm "The Lucky One" after all :)

So, "Is it worth the sacrifice?" I would say definitely "Yes" !; "Do they know how much I suffer after they leave without a notice?" I would say no one would know this feeling but the one who went through it, so I blame no one. Who knows maybe one day someone might go far to be my friend, then I will be truly "The Lucky One" :)

Special sometimes...

Temptation

I have been struggling against temptation for a quit time now. It's so hard !

Knowing that what I want to do is wrong and against all what I promised not to do and at the same time trying to ignore all this and instead following my heart is shattering me to pieces.

I keep lying to myself by believing that no harm will happen, but I definitely know the feeling of sadness, regret and shame I feel each time I do such deeds.

I run for Allah each time I feel I'm losing the battle against temptation, but devil plays games with me sometimes by making it appears harmless, which I know is not, and it will never be.


All what I ask Allah is to reward me and replace my loss with something better and grant me power to stand up again and continue my life and resist all this temptation.

So excited !

In 18 days is my 26th Birthday :)

I thought it might be the saddest birthday ever, but I'm expecting a beautiful gift this year. So, I'm so thrilled ! :)

Many scenarios play in my mind as to what I will get on the 9th of December :)

I'm sure I will read beautiful lines that would make me strong and happy at least to the end of the month :)


I've never been excited to receive a thing like this in a long time, I pray I don't get disappointed :)

Embrace life..try !

Have you ever thought about someone else apart from yourselves ! I always think of animals and objects, rather than people. I always have been like this. I wish I can understand them and know what they hide within them. We always hurt them and we don't apologize ! we don't know if they get sad or not. This is shameful.

I always treat animals and objects like real people. In this way, I teach myself to be more sensitive to others' needs. You will learn to take care of all your actions and you will think twice before you do something to anyone.

Hurting others is the worst action you may do in your life. You don't know how much this kills within. You may say it is just a rabbit or a cup. But if you treat such innocent things in a bad way, then I doubt you will treat humans any better !

When I take a book and decided to read another, when I return the other book I apologize :). I feel his feelings might get hurt cause I abandoned him for another :( The same with animals and insects. I would get sad if I kill an ant or a fly :( cause I know that they have a family and must be missed there. I hate to be the reason.

I know how painful it is to be abandoned and replaced; and I know what it means to lose a friend. I try hard not to make anyone experience this feeling. So, try for a day to treat everything around you as humans. You will definitely find another meaning for life :)


I love you all :)

The best feeling ever ~

 

I don't believe that there is a comparable feeling ~

11.11.2011 !

♥ 2 Hours left for the day to be 11.11. 2011 ♥ 

YAY. Such a sweet date. I wish I was born in a matching day like this. No body will forget me then :)

I guess many today expect a surprise, either a boyfriend will propose to his girlfriend, a guy tells a girl he loves her so much , or any other sweet surprise :)

And I'm sure many chose today as their wedding day  ♥ Oh, how sweet !

Well, I am not expecting anything myself :). But, it does not mean I cannot enjoy it ☆ 

I bought a cake and brought some candles and I will wait till it clock 12 and I will make a wish:) and it may come true ♥  I am sure that some would happen sooner or later or by force :D
I know this is crazy !. But, since we are doing no harm, why not celebrate anything we want. We don't need others to approve our actions or deeds :)
If I am crazy...I am enjoying it....to the limit ♥♥  :)

White Days

I used to fast the White Days of each month. ( White Days are the 13th, 14th, and the 15th of each month in the Islamic calender). 

In such a time last year I fasted these days, too. However,  a friend told me something I did not know before ! In this month of year ( Thu Alhijah), Muslims must not fast the 13th day because it is one of what is known as ( Tashreeq Days) which Prophet Mohammed said "they are days of eating and drinking, don't fast them).  I did fast it last year :) I was ignorant of this rule. My friend

Jazah'Allah Khair told me about this.

I remembered this as I was about to fast it today :). When I remembered this, I thanked him so much.

May Allah bliss you and reward you for lightening my path:)

Happy Eid :)

I got two smiles !

I'm so so so happy ! 

I knew that the second day of Eid will prove a better day as I professed in my last post :).

It was a dull day, but then at night I got a message from a dear friend which makes my whole day ! It was amazing to get unexpected message and more wonderful to be a great one !

No, no. They have to make a show in TV and ask people to come and share their best, unexpected moments. I think I will chose this one and talk till the end of show. Or you know what ! I think the show has to be for me alone to tell you stories about my reflections on such sweet, beautiful moments. However, we should not forget to thank Allah for giving us this chance to enjoy happiness and tranquility !

Thanks Allah :)

I really cannot express how much I was happy, that I kept re reading it till 9 hours later :)

Thank you for making me happy !

Repanzul or Ophelia?

Well, first day of Eid is over. It was not as I expected, unfortunately. My invitations were all declined and the hospital asked me to bring a permission to visit the kids which I could not get in the same time. So, instead I came back home and watched a stupid play mindlessly ! 

But this is a day of happiness, and I thought that I should be happy no matter what. If I don't have someone close to share my day with, I will look at others' happiness and share them. I think I should not always think that the world is always revolving around me, since it stops being so long time ago. I must try to be part of others' world, even if I become a very small one. I looked at photos have been posted in Facebook and those my friends share with me. It was really alot of fun. Although I was not there physically, I really felt part of their happiness. It is true what Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him said that Muslims all feel each other. I got now 23 photo of kids, some I know and some I just got from facebook, all dressing in Eid outfits. They look wonderful and sweet. Anyway, while looking at them I remember what mamy told me once about Eid before.

                                                               {Eidyah Beofore :) }

She told me that before in old days, in Eid kids gather and go knocking people's doors to get "Eidyah" which was either money or candies. Then it just came to my mind what is the difference between this tradition and what people do in Halloween day ! It's almost the same tradition ( I know they are different religious days, but I'm taking about the tradition). I then began to think what if we still have this same tradition now. I am sure it would be so great ! I would not really feel alone since I will be at the door waiting kids all the day long ! I will make sure to have the best treat so not the kids in my neighbor would come, but the whole CITY.  <3 But I should have my own outfit ! I would not just give candies. I will wear a beautiful outfit. So I thought to choose either being Repanzul from Tangled, or Ophelia from Shakespeare's play Hamlet. If you wonder why I chose one of those, I would tell you now :)
Repanzul was living all alone and then a handsome prince came and they married and live happily ever after :). I would love to have the same ending, although I don't want to be all alone for along time to this happen :)

                                                               {Repanzul and her Sweetheart :) }

Ophelia is the most romantic heroine in English literature from my perspective. She loved Hamlet so much and she was willing to sacrifice anything for him ! He rejected her, but she was still in love till she got insane and committed suicide. Then her sweetheart regrets and announces his love to her at her grave. I would love to know that even if I'm rejected, I would be loved later. Because I believe that the word ( Love) has no past tense. It is always present. You cannot say I loved, cause this means you never did love in the first place. So it is always Love only :)

                                                   {Ophelia after she drowns herself :(  }

Today the weather is wonderful, If I am wearing my outfit and surrounding by many many kids, I would be the happiest girl in the world <3.  But I am now in my balacony instead surronded by two rabbits, few ants and an insect I don't know what its name! But she is lovely anyway:) However, I am happy, I should be one. I believe that tomorrow would be a better day N'sh'Allah and one day I will be that beautiful Repanzul, although then I need to dye my hair ! :)

My Sheep !

So tomorrow N'sh'Allah is Eid Adha. Happy Eid for all of you !!


When I see the pictures of sheep around the internet I feel sorry for those cute little creatures, but then this is the command of Allah. I believe that these sweet sheep would have a better life there than here with us monstrous people !

Today I saw my two sheep I would sacrifice tomorrow. Aww they were so beautiful. I put for them two pink ribbons ! It would be wonderful to have one, but I cannot keep them :(. So I gave them those gifts. Do you think they would later recognize us? I think Yes !. I read once that prophet peace be upon him said "Whoever kills a sparrow or anything bigger than that without a just cause, Allah will hold him accountable on the Day of Judgment." The listeners asked, "O Messenger of Allah, what is a just cause?" He replied, "That he will kill it to eat, not simply to chop off its head and then throw it away." So those animals will recognize us later to ask for their rights ! Thus my two cute sheep will recognize me later and maybe say thanks Rema ! Oh, so sweet. I think I would go count how many rabbits, birds, sheep and other animals I had in my life. I would have many sweet friends later. Oh, I wish I treat them well as I think, if not..sorry !

Be kind to sheep ! S/he will remember you later :) This sheep is lovable...look at the photo above, his/her legs form a heart :) S/he says I love you. So love him/her back <3

Again..Happy Eid !

It was a dream..my daughter..

وسافر عنكِ لدنيا المحال	وتبكين حباً .. مضى عنكِ يوماً
سوى الوهم - ياطفلتي- والخيال ؟	لقد كان حلماً .. وهل في الحياة
سحابةُ صيفٍ كثيف الظلال	وما العمر يا أطهر الناسِ إلا
وكل الذي بيننا للزوال	وتبكين حباً .. طواه الخريف
تذوب الأماني ويبقى السؤال	فمن قال في العمر شيء يدومُ
غداً سوف يصبح.. بعض الرمال ؟	لماذا أتيت إذا كان حلمي

The Glorious Word of Allah !

Happy Eid !

Happy Eid for all my dears !

Forgive me..

What words describe you?

Please share what words you saw first !

I saw these four words at the first glance: Passionate, Sweet, Happy and Loyal !

I'm shy and courageous..

I pretend that I'm happy everyday.
I feel alone all the time.
I worry when I don't think I'm good enough.
I cry when I'm confused, and frustrated.
But..
I am courageous to confess that I'm selfish,too
I don't accept loss easily.
I don't accept to be a past of someone.
I want to be the center of everything.
But..
I am courageous to change all this.
I want to touch the starts in my mind.
I want to fly above in the sky.
I want to share others their happiness.
But..
I want most to make my best friends more happier
I want to see their smiles, before mine
I want to change, I want us all be happy !
I want for them what I want for myself.

I want us all to be happy, forever

..again together !

The Bat

When I was seven years old, I saw in school a scientific show about bats. I was amazed by them ! I wanted to have one so badly, just to see it close and open its wings :) One day I was with my dady visiting my grandma; after a time, I went to grandma's room to bring her something when I noticed that thing !. I was so amazed..it is a bat ! But, I didn't use to take something without permission so i ran to her asking her that I really want that bat in her room. She did not understand my language,everyone tried to know what I meant but they could not. They called my dady and I was crying from excitement to finally see the bat. He told that there is no bat and I insisted that there is one , I saw it ! We went,grandma, dady, uncle and me there. When they opened the door I pointed to something hanged in wall. They all burst laughing ! I said WHAT, this is a bat. Dad brought that thing to me to see it..it was a black old umbrella for my late grandpa :S. And I thought it was a sleeping bat :D

OMG..I'm in love again :)

This sweet thing is so cute !

I wish I can have one, but I want him to be talking. I bet he will have such an adorable voice <3

I'm in love with him ()

Online..

Seeing you "Online" makes me feel that I have the key to the world's happiness..
I feel like floods of so many things I want to tell you go away from my chest..
Looking at the mobile-screen and knowing that you're holding it the same moment I'm holding it too draws the smile on my face..
"Online" becomes like a spiritual communication with you. I would sit and tell you everything and feel like all those stories I tell you are creating a sweet web to you..

Thanks for being "Online", though I know it is not for me and it will never be for me, but thanks because it means so much for me..

You'll never have to be alone

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights,
See the party,
the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real,
Don't be afraid
We'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh oh,

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring,

And said,

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

One day

Is it going to be real one day?

Hold so tight ...

Actually..

Sometimes you just got to be your own hero and save your own little heart, because sometimes the people you cannot imagine living without them, can actually live without you.

Too hard

It's hard when you know you should not hold on and yet you are too in love to let go

Too many words..

Have you ever felt like suffocating because you spend couple of days not talking to anyone, but your own self? It's hard to explain. It's kinda weird ! I mean when so many things go in your mind, and you feel like your head spins. Still, you cannot talk about them or at least comprehend what is going on around you. It is like there are many many words inside you and in any minute you will explode and all those words would come out messy and more scattered and would just swallow you. It really confuse me when there is like amount of things I want to know , but I cannot reach this person. I don't get confused because I cannot reach this person because of something, no. It is only the idea scared me ! I mean to know this person is out here, you know its appearance, its voice, but you cannot see it ! This was my fear since I was kid. I would like to meet persons in television or newspaper. I cannot accept the idea that they are unreachable. Now, it is worse. When I cannot talk about things worry me to any person. To hold, hold so much inside. I feel I would rather sleep than be awake and know that it is another day of silence outside, and panic, fear and mess inside ! I know no one would know what I talk about. But, this is makes me crazy

My Name

My name "Rema" means white fawn in Arabic. So, this is me =)
Oh, how cute I'm even my name cute <3 :p

I'm ..

I'm not a fly and not a dog :)
I'm a beautiful butterfly and angel :)

Good morning

Yarrab, this day proves more beautiful, peaceful and happier than before. O Allah send me clouds of love, kindness and content fill my heart forever to need no one again

Because you're more sweet :)

You have a big heart no one wants to live in it.

Not meant to..

But, I believe that even if physical power was able to separate people. No one in this earth will be able to take the whole sweet memory of one's heart, until one is ready to forget it.
So, we should not feel hurt even if it's so painful

No longer

Heaven where I belong

"For me Heaven is not only an approaching fact.
Rather, it is every precious appointments which have been postponed against my will.
It is all those places which earth did not allow me to visit.
It is the love , this life was so cheap to afford me.
It is the happiness which cannot fit in this earth.
It is all those faces that I miss most and I was deprived from seeing.
Heaven is the death of taboos, the death of prohibition and the death of authorities.
Heaven is the death of boredom, the death of fatigue and the death of despair.
Heaven is simply the death of Death."

I miss to go there to meet my beloved and enjoy everything I miss in this life <3

By: Mohammed Assouani

Back to School ..

Tomorrow is the first day in school in my country ( KSA). We don't have this feeling of school in my home because simply there is no one studies, they all work except me. However, since my graduation I used to get excited whenever it is time back to school. No particular reason, but I love to see kids going to school and I have always dreamed of the day when I take the hand of my own daughter to school. I even went far to pick the cloths, bag and hair style for her. I know that I am the biggest dreamer I have ever known :), but I created the scenario of what if my kid was HE not SHE. Then his dad will take him, but this does not mean I will not go excited for every small details.
I would record their first day to watch later ..everyday. I got my own recordings, it was really a great time. I wish I could live it again with my own kid. For me, school gives a warm feeling of being in a family. The simple breakfast your mamy prepares, your parent watching you climbing the stairs of the bus..it is just a sweet memory.

Yesterday, my best friend told me she is pregnant in her fifth month. I really did not know, maybe it was apparent, but I was overwhelmed to notice. I know she did not tell me before to save me the troubles I go through each time I know about someone getting pregnant. But when she told me, the first thing came to my mind was not the same thought of "why not me", it was instead "Does she think from now of her kid's first day in school? Does she create webs of scenario of how is it going to be like?". I wanted to ask her that, but I knew she will laugh at dismiss it like nothing. She sms me this news, having no heart to make a call telling me the news although she thinks my reaction is stupid since she thinks getting pregnant is not something to be happy about.

I guess she interpreted my silence and weird sleep recently of knowing and being angry of her. But that's doing nothing with it because I knew nothing. Anyway, she saved me the awkward moment of congratulating her while all I want to do is retreating to my own shell.

I know that everyone knows I die for a kid, but what no one knows is how much it hurts to keep pretension as if everything is o.k when it is not at all. It hurts when you cannot tell anyone about this. You cannot cry your heart out and tell them that each time every month, I cannot but lament myself for failing to be the rest.

As the past years, I will get excited tomorrow by looking from my window at the neighbors kids and knowing deep down that Allah is always beside me even if I forget that sometimes.

Sweetie, Dear, Baby :)

Hahahahaha..
It really reminds me of someone ! xD. I would keep calling, texting, and even crying; then in a sudden he would say Opps "hon", I just wake up from sleep :)
That was really so sweet. I miss old days. I know it's weird, but I used to enjoy waking him up :D

Miss little exchange like this , morning greetings and goodnight wishes :)

Incarnation

Incarnation is a belief that after death one comes back to life as another person ; this means one will be someone else. This person will deep down feel attach to certain people whom he knew in his previous life although those people will not recognize him/her. He also won't recognize, but will feel strange attachment. This also means we all were the souls of someone elses in previous life. Therefore, there is a whim of connection between all people. I don't believe in this concept as a Muslim. But, this idea is intrigue. I always felt a strange connection to certain people who remind me of beloved I lost. Although they look different than them and speak in a complete opposite manner to them, there is this slight air around them that remind me of my beloved. Sometimes I got tempted to just come to one and ask if he is really my dad or another beloved deep down. I know this might sound stupid, but I really feel this most of the time. I strongly believed that those we love watch us, even if we don't feel them. Maybe this explains why I feel this. I know that they hear us and feel our happiness and miss us as much as we do. I think it is our responsibility also to keep their company, too. We should not forget about them as if they are forgotten chapters in our lives. We should keep them an essential part of our lives as they used to be before. This is the least we can do for them . Maybe this idea of keeping them is why certain people believe in incarnation. Maybe they don't want to let them go after all.

A day of sleep...

I used to sleep normally for eight to nine hours maximum. In the last few years, things changed.

My sleep became only for three or four hours and usually at day not at night. I cannot sleep more whatever I try.

Now, I become worse than before. My day is all sleep. I sleep 18 to 20 hours a day by any means even if it is horrible. I wake up from time to time, check net in my mobile and returned to sleep. I know that what I am doing is bad and such a means for running from reality is worthless. But, sometimes sleep is the only option since every book I read remind me, every show I watch remind me too. And I cannot get answer to my questions. I cannot understand why this is happening.

I would sleep and sleep until I reborn in another place..somewhere I can get the answers

Confession, baby-1

The directors always focus the camera on moments when the heroine in the romantic movie looks at couples in the park; and I had always thought that is ridiculous because in real life we don't see couples like everywhere around us ! But, yesterday I realized I was mistaken. It was not about seeing couples around me. I have been surrounded by many all my life. It is only about "what one misses most". If you miss something so much, you will feel like everyone has it except you. But deep down you will know that it is there all the time,you only notice it this much because you miss it in you life.


Yesterday, I was outside and I felt suffocated by seeing how that everyone holds a baby's hand or carries one. I felt I was the only one who has not . I was conscious about their presence around me which kept me alert and uncomfortable. This is what I miss most in my life. I dream for a day I get the chance to carry my own baby between my arms, smell it, touch its forehead and hair. Nothing in the world is comparable to such a moment.


When I came in a kid's store, I feel everyone looks at me. I feel they will tell me that I don't belong there and will never be. It is a real pain no one can understand but who lives it. I cannot talk about it to any soul. My tears betray me before I utter a word. Writing about it much easier, though.


Everyone of us has its own experience. H/She notices something other don't notice or don't appreciate. Yesterday, nothing wipe the tempting tear from my eye and draw the smile in my face but my friend's words when she said: "Wow, look how much shopping bags all those girls have!!" At that moment, I realized she was looking at the bags I was holding too while I was looking at the little hand she was holding....Everyone looks only at what she misses most.

Don't cry

Don't cry, I'm here for you forever