Back to School ..

Tomorrow is the first day in school in my country ( KSA). We don't have this feeling of school in my home because simply there is no one studies, they all work except me. However, since my graduation I used to get excited whenever it is time back to school. No particular reason, but I love to see kids going to school and I have always dreamed of the day when I take the hand of my own daughter to school. I even went far to pick the cloths, bag and hair style for her. I know that I am the biggest dreamer I have ever known :), but I created the scenario of what if my kid was HE not SHE. Then his dad will take him, but this does not mean I will not go excited for every small details.
I would record their first day to watch later ..everyday. I got my own recordings, it was really a great time. I wish I could live it again with my own kid. For me, school gives a warm feeling of being in a family. The simple breakfast your mamy prepares, your parent watching you climbing the stairs of the bus..it is just a sweet memory.

Yesterday, my best friend told me she is pregnant in her fifth month. I really did not know, maybe it was apparent, but I was overwhelmed to notice. I know she did not tell me before to save me the troubles I go through each time I know about someone getting pregnant. But when she told me, the first thing came to my mind was not the same thought of "why not me", it was instead "Does she think from now of her kid's first day in school? Does she create webs of scenario of how is it going to be like?". I wanted to ask her that, but I knew she will laugh at dismiss it like nothing. She sms me this news, having no heart to make a call telling me the news although she thinks my reaction is stupid since she thinks getting pregnant is not something to be happy about.

I guess she interpreted my silence and weird sleep recently of knowing and being angry of her. But that's doing nothing with it because I knew nothing. Anyway, she saved me the awkward moment of congratulating her while all I want to do is retreating to my own shell.

I know that everyone knows I die for a kid, but what no one knows is how much it hurts to keep pretension as if everything is o.k when it is not at all. It hurts when you cannot tell anyone about this. You cannot cry your heart out and tell them that each time every month, I cannot but lament myself for failing to be the rest.

As the past years, I will get excited tomorrow by looking from my window at the neighbors kids and knowing deep down that Allah is always beside me even if I forget that sometimes.